tom segura: mostly stories full

Wait. – [laughter] – It’s scary. The first few days, I thought it was peacocking. !” And I go, “Stop selling drugs!” And I drive off. Tom Segura: Mostly Stories. I don’t even know how it’s attainable. And everybody else who’s, like, tan, like… [laughter] Vietnamese and Filipino, they’re like— [spits] “Fuck you!” [laughter] True or not? Dude. How?” They’re like, “He can add like a motherfucker. I want you to meet Steve.” And he’ll go, “Fuck Steve.” [laughter] “I know everybody I need to know. [laughter] Here’s all I’m saying. [laughter] So this is a bad motherfucker right here. Starring: Tom Segura. Well, uh… [laughter, applause] Oops. [laughter] ‘Cause that’s a legit question. ‘Cause, it’s gonna get weird. I don’t know. This fat motherfucker, man. I’m sorry. It’s tremendous. – And then… – [laughter] Now I’m gonna be a dad. They fucking hate you. And I was like, “Holy shit! She goes, “You don’t wanna switch seats?” And I go, “Not really.” [laughter] And she goes, “Why not?” I said, “‘Cause we don’t have to.” She goes, “What does that mean?” I said, “Well, there’s only two people that have to sit next to each other, and they’re up front.” [laughter, applause] “We can sit anywhere.” She goes, “You’re gonna ask people to move.” And I was like, “Great. And he’s super nice. To be like, “Oh, you strip?” “Where do you strip at?” “Beef.” [laughter] – “Jesus.” – [laughter] “What goes on there?” “Pretty intense shit, actually. We get on, she looks at our boarding passes, she goes, “We’re not sitting next to each other.” And I go, “Okay.” [laughter] I don’t know. It’s not racist, but it involves race. You understand? Yeah. Isn’t that weird too? You’re here. Uh… What do your parents say about them? Like, all my social interactions, I’m disintegrating into somebody I want to punch in the mouth. What do you think they’re like? They walk in, they’re like, “What’s up? Because every passenger that boards sees him, and they’re like, “Get the fuck out of here.” And they shit their pants. I felt a tremendous sense of injustice. And that statement is: “Fisting is my first base.” Like, those chicks are fuckin’ down. I knew him when he was single. Like showing off, you know? A group of individuals in Istanbul transcend sociocultural boundaries and find connection as their fears and wishes intertwine. “Hold it over your head and run down to the pier and back.” And the pier’s, like, three-quarters of a mile. See Tom Segura Live See Tour Dates Official Tom Segura … We leave late. – Know what I mean? April 19, 2017. Should be a real treat.” That’s always fun, right? We’re the best at it, but every race is racist. Like, the spokesman for an arson investigation. I got a trainer. [laughter] And it’s the funniest shit I have ever seen in my life. Um… let’s watch you bite that handle for an hour. “My dad’s super strong? Ah… [crowd chuckling] There’s one exchange where this dude, he pulls a kid out of line. – I told everybody. I was walking into a building not two weeks ago. Bite me in my ass, man! He sees everything and this is hands-down His favorite shit!” [laughter] [crowd cheering] Yeah. Every guy friend of mine that complains about a sex thing, it’s always the same stupid shit. Grunts, everything. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. The next guy comes up to them and he goes, “Hold mah pocket! Because old guys… do not. All right.” [laughter] They’ve done it multiple times! Speaking of dads, I’m gonna be a dad. He is best known for his three Netflix specials, Disgraceful (2018), Mostly Stories (2016), and Completely Normal (2014) and will be releasing his fourth Netflix special this spring. [woman] You have a little dick. There’s a lot of great shows. I don’t fucking know. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Segura! Friends of mine on TV and movies, they are dog shit next to Mike Tyson. Ugh!” [laughter] Funny shit like that. Should I be here, Dad?” You ever yell at it? Like, “You know goddamn right I am. [Cheers and applause]` Thank you. Just fucking all those places. I mean, don’t you feel like we could draw a circle around the Midwest and be like, – “Do we need this?” – [laughter] Except for wherever you’re from. I just hear a guy go, “Either make it quiet or get it out!” [laughter] That guy’s 140 years old! Find Tom Segura discography, albums and singles on AllMusic ... full condensed blue highlight denotes album pick Filter Discography By Albums All. So, I’m gonna get a peanut butter protein shake. But… I’ll just yell shit. You said it out loud. But then… [laughter] I went out the exit immediately cause I’m not getting my ass kicked over The Lego Movie, so I left. Ugh. One of my favorite places, and I am fucking falling apart. No, that’s good. I’m like, “All right, these people are insane. Released: 2016-01-08. And from now on, you will see me in your nightmares.” And the kids are like, “What the fuck?” Like… “I’m 12. When an old guy’s like, “I’m gonna take out the trash.” And someone’s like, “Are you out of your fucking mind? I don’t know how old, but it doesn’t look good. It’s like a hook on a catchy song, except it’s just stuff that I watch, and then… “Bikes!” I just yell it, you know. Bam! Yeah. Whenever you want. [crowd chuckles] Prison. It’s when you go to a kid, you go like, “Hey, were you outside?” And they go, “Yeah!” And you’re like, “Why don’t you dial that back? You know? I have a friend that’s tall.” Dude, you just told a grown man you have a fucking friend that’s tall. So… [chortles] He’s like, “I’mma mush your motherfucking face!” And the kid’s like— [whimpering] It’s so fucking funny. My mom’s got this. My name’s Crazy Chris. But… – [laughter] God, it feels so good! There’s a burned down building behind, and he’s just like— “Hey. We’re reformed now. Know what I mean? It’s silly. I guess we’re going to sleep.” And then the world goes… – “Uh… nope!” – [laughter] “6:30, dickhead! Bam! And… [laughter] You can see them online. Guys are the worst. Some people suck. That’s all they are. Seattle, you’re the best. Like, from The Fugitive through No Country for Old Men. Like…” – [laughter] “You can’t scare me.” And they’re greeted by a guy named Crazy Chris. So… – [laughter] Yeah. [laughter, cheers] Everybody likes it. You don’t go, “Hey, Sam.” You go, “Hai, Sahm.” [laughter] And he’s like, “Hi.” And you go, “How was your weekend?” [laughter] He’s like, “It was good.” “Well, that’s good!” And he’s like, “You know I’m not retarded right? He’s in the car and he’s like, “Yeah…” [laughter] “…it does. But… – [laughter] Pre-sex? So… half an hour later, lights are still on, and I go, “What are we doing?” And she goes, “I think we’re gonna divert.” And I go, “Divert? Get ready to do stuff.” And then you cry for days. He has been a regular guest on both Joe Rogan and Adam Carolla’s podcasts. What about tongue rings, Tom?” What about them?! Why are you doing this to me?” That and pre-sex. But… – [crowd cheers] – Yeah. Absolutely. So he walks, and then they’re like— [nervous chuckle] I don’t know what you know about prison, but if you’re holding onto another dude’s pocket, – it’s gonna be a rough day. Comedian.” [laughter] “Mostly stories. I love— I love, though, on the medical pornos, those scenes, they always end with letting you know how he’s doing medically. I just feel like I’ve done a lot and I’ve seen a lot. I’ve been here half an hour!” And the manager’s like, “Some people suck.” Like, “Oh yeah. You’re never going to run into him again.” So I get up, walk over to his seat and I go, “I’m sorry to bother you. Um… Like, we’re at a restaurant and, you know, the server walks up and she’s Asian. All right, um… I hate who I’m becoming, socially. Stage banter takes on a different — deeper — meaning as the comedian performs online shows to homebound viewers worldwide from his Mumbai residence. Don’t talk to me like that. I don’t have Tourette’s. Look at me, I’ve never felt better. That sounds scary.” Well, yeah. Do you ever lie? [mumbling] I can’t stretch. I go, “It has my name on it, just type it in. I joined a gym, and they go, “Do you want a free training session?” I was like, “Okay. A lot. [laughter] And he was just like all on the— He was like, “Oil prices are crazy right now.” [laughter] I’m like, “Dude, you have a little grain of rice. It’s called Fart.” I’d be like, “No, I don’t want to go there.” “There’s another one called Beef.” “All right, let’s check out Fart.” [laughter] “See where that ends up.”, I feel like… the worst part, honestly, of traveling in our country is that there’s no surprises. Okay. Any faith. Early life. Thank you, guys. It’s better than my dad’s actual small talk, which is awkwardly racial small talk. I’m obsessed with one episode. Hey! Really?” “Mm-hmm. If you bring a baby into a movie theater, you’re a piece of shit. Like you’re gonna walk around confused, like, “Well, bonjour! That’s a pretty crude way of putting that. But they can’t leave. Or just show her your dick. I’m re-shooting this thing. Another thing I’ve noticed since joining the gym, there’s two types of guys: Guys that are 65 and older, and then guys that cover their dicks. I mean, shit! – Anything goes. I left. Very nice of you. Somebody says something once and you’re like, “Cool, I’ll roll with that forever. Okay, no, you don’t? ‘Cause I’m trying to watch this movie.” [laughter] “And… your baby’s ruining it.” He’s like, “No, no puedo.” So… [laughter] I get up, I go to the lobby, I see the manager of the theater and I go, “Hey! What about you?” I said, “I’m a comedian. If somebody was like, “You wanna go to a strip club? – I could hear it in his voice. It’s like… too much weird shit for one day. He’s right there. I’m sorry.” [laughter] That looks amazing. Tom Segura: Mostly Stories gledaj film besplatno Tom Segura: Mostly Stories cijeli film *Gledajte film na mreži ili gledajte najbolje besplatne videozapise visoke rezolucije 1080p na radnoj površini, prijenosnom računalu, prijenosnom računalu, tabletu, iPhoneu, iPadu, Mac Pro i još mnogo toga. – You know? I was.” “I know. I like the movie. Um… If you’ve never seen it, it’s tremendous. Like, it gets so small, and it leans to the left. It’s when you fly overnight from the West Coast to the Eastern time zone. I mean, here’s the thing, it’s not even that big a part of my day. [cheers and applause] You can’t even get mad! Because…” [laughter] Like, the fucking balls on Paris, Tennessee, to name their city Paris? Because all of us, when we were kids, and all kids now, for a certain period of time, the worst storytellers ever, okay? Ladies, I just gave you top secret clearance. Writing. So, he come up and talks to us and he walks away. [applause] When you’re in your favorite restaurant and “they” come in, you’re like… [laughter] “Let’s take it to go. So… – [laughter] After this one, no más. Over and over. That is the best customer service line I’ve ever heard in my life. The Northeast, shady fucking people in shady cities. I hold the door. It’s eleven o’clock at night and we’re on a plane.” [laughter] “We’re in the sky right now, Mike.” He goes, “Well, when’s your show?” And I go, “Tomorrow.” And he goes, “Where?” And I go, “Still at the Pittsburgh Improv.” He goes, “How do I find it?” I go, “I don’t fucking know. Just made that shit up. I grew up watching all of your fights, and I’m a big fan.” And he goes, “Thank you.” [laughter] I said, “I’m just curious, why are you going to Pittsburgh?” He goes, “I’m promoting a fight. But… I was just thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve had a job, and how I absolutely could not get one right now. '” You go, “That was a great fucking story. In this extended cut of his 2018 special, Chris Rock takes the stage for a special filled with searing observations on fatherhood, infidelity and politics. Fuck this city. I mean, my dad has a friend that’s 87. I fucking run off the plane. I get a Mike Tyson fist bump. I was just…” [laughter] “Do you? Chris has scars on his face, and the screen freezes. Current list of the 50 best stand-up comedy specials on Netflix, including new release Tom Segura: Mostly Stories. He’s like, “I’mma make you suck my dick for breakfast!” [laughter] “Every mornin’.” And the kids are like… [groaning] [laughter] “I hate breakfast! Well, you weird silent fuck.” [laughter] “You gotta tell her. I’m going to do shows.” And he goes— [giggles] “You’re a comedian?” I go, “Yeah.” He said, “Where’s your show?” I said “It’s a comedy club called the Pittsburgh Improv.” And he goes, “Where’s that?” – And I go, “I have no fucking idea.” – [laughter] And he goes, “Is your show tonight?” And I go, “No. He was like, “It’s not all jokes!” “I said one thing. A lot of good-looking girls in this town. I just can’t stand up. [cheering], You guys, are you ever just tired of being alive? ‘Cause you fat as fuck! Actor/Comedian/Writer Tom Segura has quickly become one of Hollywood’s most in demand and highly regarded talents. If your reason for doing it is you couldn’t get a babysitter, well, then, you don’t get to go to the movies. 1h 13min | Comedy | TV Special 8 January 2016. “Hey, Tom.” And I go, “‘Sup, Champ?” [cheers and applause] He goes, “We’re coming to your show tonight, brother.” And I go, “That’s fucking crazy!” He goes, “Yeah, we wanna watch you do your work.” And I go, “Well, I’m honored.” And he goes, “It’s all love.” [laughter] I know what he’s saying. How about you kill those lights so we can go back to sleep?” [laughter] And she goes, “Well, he needs help.” And I go, “Well, we’re not doctors. That’s a better way of saying that. I watched Breaking Bad on Netflix.” And he goes, “My wife likes Breaking Bad.” But he said it like, “You like shit my wife likes.” And I was like, “Ugh.” Then his eyes light up like saucers, and he’s like, “Oh! But… Ease into it. Okay? That scene is so stupid cause they always call each other Bro and Sis, like any fucking people on the planet do that. No, I feel fine. Check out this article to know more about his wife, net worth, ethnicity, and career. And it said there’s no way I’m gonna make this run without throwing up and people laughing at me. You know what I mean? He was. That’s another thing. They keep doing it. – [man] Japanese. It’s a silly joke. Before Fame. It’s now a fact. You like Sons of Anarchy?” And I know it’s a great show. [crowd chuckles] So I go, “Excuse me, Gandalf. Starring: Tom Segura. Don’t fucking answer. He goes, “Now I recognize you.” And I go, “What?” And he holds up the DVD. All right.” And he tells me to take the big plate, the 45-pound plate. Your email address will not be published. All right. Great actor. Like, when there’s pills and cash and tits out and… someone’s like, “Have you thought about accepting the Lord into your life?” And you’re like, “I’m trying to make bad decisions. [laughter] Pretty much goes like this: Click. I’ll be like, “Ahh…” – And my wife, she’s pretty over it. And I go, “I just gave that to you.” And he goes, “It’s the same picture that’s on Netflix.” And I go, “Oh, yeah. Maybe you robbed somebody. But I decided I would tell everyone I ever met for the rest of my life that Tommy Lee Jones is gay. I’m out, man.” And I took off. In 2014, he released his first full one-hour special, Tom Segura: Completely Normal, to Netflix. And I go, “Why did you do that?” And he goes, “I don’t want to be here.” [laughter] If you see him now, you’re like, “How you doing?” – “Unfortunately, alive.” – [laughter] “But He won’t take me.” [laughter].

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